- Vintage Silver Gal

Welcome to my blog, an exploration of life lessons, adventures and discoveries and short stories just for fun. As I travel thru life, there have been lessons learned, discoveries made and adventures big and small. Of course, this is ongoing, as new lessons demand my attention, adventures excite me, and discoveries ignite my curiosity. As the title suggests, I am a woman, over a certain age. Vintage is a word I much prefer to mature or old. When a lot of us think of vintage, what often comes to mind are vintage clothes, cars and wine. All are valued treasures. When something is old, we replace it with something new. That’s fine for milk, but for me, that is unacceptable when it comes to people. The passage of time as turned my once brown hair to various shades of silver and a couple of white streaks. The passage of time has also allowed me to explore my inner and outer world on this amazing journey called life. I hope you’ll join me!

Cheers………………Trish!!!

CONTACT: If you would like to contact me with comments or questions, please email me at [email protected].

I remember oh so very many years ago that my Christmas wish was a Barbie doll. Yes, I did get a Barbie doll, and it was a wonderful Christmas. Since then, my Christmas wishes have changed over the years. Usually, my Christmas wish was to find the perfect gift for everyone on my list. And no, my ex-husband definitely did not make that easy. I always had a difficult time with anyone who doesn’t really need anything, buys what they want and responds with “I don’t know” when you ask them what they’d like for Christmas. But now that I’m older, alone and never had kids, my Christmas list has shrunk to, well, nothing. I do not miss that stress of shopping in stores or online, trying to figure out what to buy everyone. Now, my Christmas wish is much more universal. There is so much sadness, stress, division and problems in this world, that my Christmas wish is for everyone’s life to improve. I wish for everyone to find the love and peace of mind they deserve. I wish for everyone to enjoy this season in whatever brings them peace and joy, even if it looks different from what is expected of you. After all, the happier you are, the more you have to give. Happy Holidays!

Thanksgiving is coming soon. And for me, it’s coming right when I need it. My divorce has been final for nearly 3 years, and I finally retired earlier this year. Handling all of that may be easy for some. But it wasn’t easy for me. Adjusting to being alone again and no longer having the structure of a full-time job can present challenges, and did so for me. It’s too easy to think about all you have lost. And trust me, I spent a lot of time traveling that road of what once was. Starting over is not the easiest thing to do. And at times retreating from it all is what I did. Now don’t get concerned. I retreated to rom-com films and books that easily got my full attention. But at this time of Thanksgiving, I’m very grateful for all I do have. I’m out of a bad marriage and the stresses of my former job are now over. I have been thinking lately of all I do have – the time and freedom to rediscover me and what I want and enjoy. I’ve taken up new hobbies and have met some wonderful people. It’s given me a new perspective on myself and my life. Perhaps we’d all be a bit happier if we focused more on the good things we have and not on what we don’t or no longer have. Even if there is only one good thing in your life, well, it’s a great place to start to find those paths that lead to more good things.

When I was a kid, I assumed that at some point when I got to be an adult, that I would find my place, my tribe, where I wanted to be and where I belonged. Oh, the silly things we sometimes believe when we’re a child. Somehow, our teenage years can even be a time when we feel that things will fall into place once we’re an adult and parental interference ceases. Yes, that is an amusing thought once you’re well into adulthood, to think that your parents will stop minding your business. At least my very, very controlling parents never ceased minding my business and telling me what to do. Long before gaslighting was a word in our vocabulary, my mother was a master at it. Trust me, being subjected to gaslighting as part of your upbringing, can and does cause you to second guess yourself. When you’re told over and over that what you think, feel and want is wrong, it can leave you feeling lost. Yes, that’s been me. I’ve known people who when faced with a crossroad, they know which path to take. Unfortunately, that hasn’t been me. When presented with multiple paths, I haven’t always known which one to choose. When you grow up like I did, not trusting that inner voice telling me what I really want, can make each path seem the same.

Eventually, I did learn about paths that were definitely not for me. Yes, trial and error has helped me figure out when to know it’s my authentic voice and not the gaslighting from long ago. Still…….sometimes I feel lost, even at my age. Divorce, moving back to my hometown and retiring has had me feeling lost. How do I navigate this new chapter in my life? What do I really want? What will make me happy? How do I make peace, that the path I’d like to be on, I can’t seem to find? Baby steps. That’s what I’ve done. Yes, I’ve had people turn up the volume of their voice to tell me that they know what’s best for me. For that situation, I’ve taken a path away from them so that their voice is only background noise. I’ve also discovered that sometimes the paths before me are not what I want. Then what? Forge my own path. No, that isn’t always easy. When you don’t do what people are convinced that you should do, well, they seem to get a bit uncomfortable and push back on your decisions. In that situation, figurative noise-cancelling headphones work wonders. Silence also works well, as the people who try telling you what to do will then have no fuel for their ammunition against you. This has been quite the journey for me to not feel lost. The big difference now is that I’ve become more comfortable with feeling lost. I’ve come to see it as an opportunity to discover more about who I authentically am and what I want. I’ve become more and more comfortable with who I am, more accepting of others and being ok with walking away from people and situations that are detrimental for me. And yes, as difficult as it can be to be lost sometimes, it can greatly help you find your way to who you really are and what you really want.

When someone asks me what my favorite season is, they’re expecting me to say one of 4 answers – spring, summer, fall or winter. The people who know me aren’t surprised when I tell them that (American) football is my favorite season. People who don’t know me well are nothing short of confused. My love affair with football started a long time ago. My birthday is in February. And for my 16th birthday, a couple of my female friends gave me a gag gift. It was a small booklet titled “A Woman’s Guide to Football”. Back then, we thought that it was hilarious that any woman would willing watch a football game and enjoy it. And yes, in those days, very few women watched football. That was something guys did. So, after we had a good laugh about that booklet, I put it away. That summer, for a reason that escapes me, I got out that booklet, “A Woman’s Guide to Football”, and read it. As I read it, the game of football sounded more and more interesting. That fall, my older brother (my only sibling) went away to college. My mother, like most women, didn’t have an ounce of interest in football. But I decided to check it out. So, on Sunday afternoons I watched football games with my dad. Occasionally, I would ask him questions about something I didn’t understand, and he would happily explain whatever it was that I didn’t understand. It didn’t take me long to learn who all of the teams were and the starting quarterbacks. I watched games on Sundays. And yes, in those days, there were no artificial fields and a game on a rainy day was basically played in the mud. As the years progressed, my love affair with football continued. Unfortunately, there were too many years when my life got very busy and sitting down on a Sunday afternoon to watch football was just not on my schedule. I would still pay as much attention to the football season as time would allow. And in those early days of being a football fan, the guys I dated, or my male friends were a bit surprised that they knew a woman who actually liked football.

For me, football was all about the NFL. It wasn’t until I became involved with my ex-husband that I started watching college football too. I discovered the fun of watching college players progress through college and some being fortunate enough to play in the NFL. These days, yes, I still have some female friends who still don’t like football. But, I have other female friends who love the game as much as I do. We’re now at the point of boys and girls playing flag football, a sport that seems to be growing rapidly. And, the NFL is now regularly playing games in other countries. They’re also discovering the fun and excitement of football that I discovered a long time ago. I have also gotten to the point of watching the first round of the NFL draft. Usually before the draft, everyone has figured out which player will be selected first. Everyone is usually right. But it doesn’t diminish the excitement of hearing that name called and seeing the happiness and joy on the faces of the athlete, family, friends and fans who attend the draft.

Is the NFL a big business? Of course it is. But that to me is simply a necessary component so that football can exist. And the point of all of this you may be wondering? The point is to be open to something new. If we close ourselves off to only the things we like right now, we could be missing out on something that we’ll enjoy very much. What if I hadn’t gone back to read that booklet? I would have missed out on a lot of the fun I’ve had over the years watching football on TV or going to games. And as a long, long long-time NY Giants fan, I would have missed watching Lawrence Taylor play football. He was not only one of the best defensive players of all time, but one of the best to ever play in the NFL. And I’ve also become a Buffalo Bills fan. I hope you have your favorite team or teams if you have an NFC favorite and an AFC favorite like me. And if you’re not a football fan, I hope you’re open to learning about something new. You may find a new passion, even it if isn’t football.

What will you never get back? Lots of things – the person you were when you were 5, the words you just said, the shoes you loved and wore until they fell apart or the job at the company that went out of business. But the one very important thing you’ll never get back is time. As I write this, it’s almost the end of the month. It seems that in the blink of an eye, the first 3 weeks of the month are over. How is that possible? It used to be that time seemed to pass quicker the older you got. Remember when you were a kid and it seemed to take forever for Santa Claus to visit again? Now it seems that most everyone over the age of 21 or so feels that time zips by at lightning speed. And when time passes by so quickly, life can end up being a blur. We’re so busy multi-tasking or trying to fit too many things into an already busy life, that whatever it is that you’re doing is over very quickly. You too often wonder if you enjoyed it, if you stop long enough to ask yourself that question. I remember one summer when I went on a 1 1/2 weeks vacation. It was an escorted bus tour of parts of Europe. Finally, I ignored the past and the future and time had a different feeling. I immersed myself in the sights and sounds of those beautiful places. The vacation didn’t go by in a blur and it was wonderful. I did that again on another vacation, focusing on the experience of visiting a new place. The probable hassles at the airport were relegated to a far corner of my mind, ready for when it was actually time to be at the airport for my return flight home. We can’t do anything to change the passage of time, or fix something that we later realize wasn’t our best effort.

Time must be paid attention to in certain instances. For example, the time you have to be at work to start your job, the time you have to be at the restaurant to meet friends out for dinner, or the time your flight takes off. Ignore time and you could be unemployed, dining alone or frantically trying to find another way to get to your destination. But sometimes, time is ignored. Have you ever experienced doing something and you were so focused on what you were doing that time seemed irrelevant? Perhaps if we were more focused in our daily lives, we would live with more intent and pay greater attention to the here and now. We would enjoy our experiences and pay more attention to the lessons we all need to learn in life. Then we might be more inclined to view time as the precious commodity it is and look back with more pleasure and pride and less regret.

I’m sure from time to time you’ve seen signs stating, “No Trespassing”. The translation is easy. It’s private property and you have to stay off the property because it’s not yours. A surveyor has marked off the boundaries of the privately owned land. NOT YOURS – STAY OUT!

But this is only for land, or things, right? Nope! Too often we don’t put up a no trespassing sign on our own lives. We’re told to be nice, to do for others, to put others first. In the right situation, it’s wonderful to do those things. It’s so very important to be loving, caring and supportive of the people you care about. And sometimes, a caring, thoughtful gesture can be an important part of a stranger’s day. You know what I mean. For example, you’re in a store and accidentally drop something and don’t notice. But a stranger does, picks it up and gives it to you. Most people are grateful and that simple act can brighten their day.

But just like those no trespassing signs on land that doesn’t belong to you, we all need figurative no trespassing signs. Not all the time of course and not with everyone. I’m sure most of us have had friends and/or relatives that are thoughtful and respectful, and any transgressions, in the grand scheme of things, are minor. Yes, I too would like to clone those people. But……….then there are those people in our lives who are not very thoughtful and/or respectful. Sometimes it’s only 1 or 2 subjects that are the problem. Other times, it’s……….well…………..multiple areas that create troubling issues.

For family and friends where there are only 1 or 2 issues, I do what I can to avoid those topics of discussion. Or if it’s an activity that causes trouble, well, sorry………….I’m out. But what if those 1 or 2 issues do arise, hard as you tried to avoid it? That’s when your boundaries are needed. Pleasantly agree to disagree. Sometimes, I’ve found it best to let the person talk until they run out of steam and then change the subject. Gently reinforcing your views can work. How you handle it varies with the person and issue. My mother, sad to say, had no respect for my boundaries. Not that I had any growing up. But once I learned about emotional boundaries, I put them into play. When Mom got out of control and treated me like a possession instead of a person, which was much too often, my response was, “well, I’ve got to go”, and then I left and went home. On the phone? Same thing – “well, I’ve got to go. I’ll talk to you soon. Bye” and hang up. For those who refuse to honor your boundaries, physical distance is usually, unfortunately, the only answer. Sadly, over the years, I have had friends who went through life like a bulldozer. That’s when being nice doesn’t work. A bulldozer will often be oblivious to your boundaries. Sometimes a temporary break from the relationship will work. But for me, the break usually ended up being permanent. Going back to a friendship after a break too often meant a repeat of the behavior that caused the friendship to fracture in the first place. What I’ve found is that when you have a much stronger boundary, one that you do not allow the bulldozer to tear down, they’ll leave you. You’re now too much work and won’t play their game – a game you know they’re playing but sometimes they do not. Ultimately, boundaries are not only to keep you safe and sane, but so that you can be your best to those who matter most to you. And sometimes to someone you don’t know and will never see again. But in some small way, have made a positive difference. Your boundaries can be as varied as the people you know and issues that arise. I have found that it’s something that often is learned over time and change as we all change and grow. But never underestimate the power and necessity of healthy boundaries. If any of us are going to be our best selves, the toxic and hurtful people in your life have to be dealt with and sometimes avoided. And the people who are respectful and genuinely care about you will hopefully get the message and behave accordingly when your boundary goes up. Many a friendship has been saved that way. And over time, the healthy boundaries you’ve created will be rather automatic. You know what you deserve and what you will and will not tolerate. That can and does have positive impact in your life and those you interact with. As for me, I’d much rather have the thoughtful, respectful people in my life and leave the bulldozers in the past.

Hello! Today I thought I would do something a little different. Below is a short, short story. I hope you enjoy it!

It’s close to dinner time on Saturday evening and time to relax, Nina thought to herself. And that means time for wine! Nina had just purchased a stemless wine glass on a whim while doing some errands that day. She didn’t have that many wine glasses. But the ones she has are all the traditional wine glasses with a stem. Why not buy it, she thought. If I don’t like it, oh well. It’s not very expensive. So, it was time to try her new wine glass. Nina was intrigued by her new venture, as stemless wine glasses were becoming more popular. The wine looked lovely in her new wine glass – her favorite Pinot Noir. But as she looked at her glass, she felt as if something was missing. Nina was perplexed. How could something be missing? It’s just a wine glass, and it works very well.

A few weeks later, Nina was at her favorite hobby/craft store to buy some yarn for her latest crochet project. Wandering through the store, she realized what was missing from the wine glass and her life. She and her friends all have good jobs. But while they loved their jobs, Nina’s job left her uninspired. Yes, she’s very good at it, but it no longer stirred the passion it once did. It wasn’t her employer that’s the problem, but what she’s doing for a living. Nina longed for something else, but what? Inspiration then struck in an aisle of the hobby store. She loved to paint but hadn’t painted in many years. She wondered why not, as it always brought her joy. Somehow, ignoring joy was too easy to do for Nina. Her self-doubt was a constant companion – one that her mother gave to her years ago when she was growing up. Her mother’s constant questioning of her talents and desires left her with a nagging feeling of not being good enough. Her parents had always dismissed her artwork as frivolous. But Nina needed to do something to jump-start her life, to get her excited again. It’s there that she found her inspiration in that aisle of the hobby store. She would paint her stemless wine glass. Yes, it’s something many people do these days. But she would personalize it for her. She purchased her supplies and made some drawings of what she wanted to paint. She loves the beach, so it was easy to decide which drawing to paint on the glass. The following weekend, Nina set out to paint her stemless wine glass. For the first time in far too long, Nina was emersed in her work. When she finished painting, she realized that she had felt joy. She was no longer searching for joy. But when she silenced the critical voice inside her, joy had found her. She knew that she had a long way to go to silence the self-doubt. But finally, she found her path.

It’s the big things in life that get most of our attention. You know what I mean – your daily routine, planning for that much needed vacation, an upcoming graduation or wedding or finally moving into your dream home. Yes, those things can be time consuming and rightfully take up the bulk of our attention. So…….it’s very easy to overlook the little things, until one of those little things changes. Let’s say, for example, a long-time friend of yours, who always remembered your birthday, forgets it. Yes, you appreciate all of the other birthday wishes from family and friends. But the one person who always remembered and has sent no acknowledgement of your birthday, can and sometimes does become a big thing. Just recently, one of those little things became front and center of my attention. That little thing? Getting up from a chair. Think about it. If you have no mobility problems, getting up from a chair is such an automatic motion that it’s nothing that most of us think about. But on a recent Saturday, for me, that changed. It was a normal Saturday. I walked for an hour in the morning, followed by doing some errands. I arrived at home around 12:30PM, ate lunch, took care of a couple of minor chores at home and then relaxed to watch TV. I felt fine until Saturday evening. All of a sudden, the lower right side of my back started to hurt. And the pain kept getting worse. Now, I’ve had back problems for many, many years. And regular visits to my chiropractor, just for maintenance, are normal for me. This means that when I experience back pain, I can usually figure out what I did to cause it. This time however, I was stumped. I did what I could. I did stretching, as the pain felt muscular in origin. I used a pain relieving cream and at night took an over-the-counter pain reliever so that I could sleep. Fortunately, I had minimal to no pain when I walked. So, I was able to do my daily one hour walk. But getting up from a chair? That was a whole different level of pain. That motion that so many of us do countless times each day, that seemingly little thing, became a huge thing because of the intense pain. And yes, I did try to just get up normally from a chair. I quickly found out what a bad idea that was. Once I was seated and fairly comfortable, getting up was something I avoided until absolutely necessary. Now, thankfully, my back is almost back to normal. What did I do? After a few days of walking and stretching, my back was feeling a bit better. So, I got a massage, the deep tissue kind of massage. The next day I got an adjustment from my chiropractor along with instructions of things to do to help my back heal. I am VERY grateful to the massage therapist and my chiropractor. Now, I can once again get up from a chair, as I normally do, without being in pain. This incident with my back served as a much needed reminder to not take anything for granted. Yes, those big things in life can and usually are the primary focus of our attention. But paying attention to and appreciating those little things in our life, can make our lives so much better.

YOU HAVE TO AGE, BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO GET OLD – PART 2 – CLOTHES, HAIR & MAKEUP

In my previous post about aging, but not getting old, I mentioned clothes, hair and makeup. I wrote that I feel like a better version of me when I’m happy with my clothes, hair and makeup. Yes, I know, we’ve been taught to “not judge a book by its cover”. That may be true for books, but I’m a person, not a book. The reality is that how we present ourselves to the world does, to some extent reflect who we are and how we feel about ourselves. And yes, it also has an effect on how the world treats us. I grew up with unwritten rules about clothes, hair and makeup and what was appropriate at each stage of life. Yes, I loved my 20’s when there were so many, many possibilities. The latest styles and trends seemed designed for those of us in our 20’s. But…….when a woman reached a certain age, she was supposed to wear her hair short, clothes conservative and the lightest touch of makeup. Watch an old movie from the 1940’s or 50’s and you’ll see what I mean. Too many of the women looked old and seemed old. Hopefully, those day are gone forever. I was fortunate though to have a mother who dressed in stylish clothes and wore her hair in a modern style. She never wore much makeup though. Powder, lipstick and eyebrow pencil was the sum total of her makeup collection. My mother was aging, but did not get old until serious illness took her life.

For me, my views have changed over the years. I once thought that I would color my hair forever and some way, somehow find a short hairstyle that I liked on me. My eyeshadow became various shades of beige and brown and I wore suits to work. Currently, some of my hair is wavy, some of it is straight and some of it is curly. And…….it changes with the seasons – straighter in winter, curlier and more body in summer. So, finding a good hairstyle has been a challenge. I was convinced, that because of my age, I had to wear my hair shorter. I went to various hairdressers, looking for one who could handle my various curl patterns and give me a haircut that I liked that also looked good. I was not successful. But then a major upheaval happened. I got divorced and moved back to my hometown. I found Chelsea, the best hairdresser ever! My hair then, was overly layered and so Chelsea and I made the decision to get rid of most of those layers. While that was going on, I started experimenting with makeup. My lipstick colors had to change as I was now my natural silver and no longer a dark blond/light brunette. I found a collection of subtle purple eye shadows and eventually an eye shadow of a light pink. I bought red and darker pink lipsticks. What’s the worst that could happen? I hate those colors of eye shadow and lipstick, move on and try something else. But I didn’t. I loved them! As for my hair…….as it grew, I began to like my hair again. It took a while, but I finally got rid of the layers. In between haircuts, of course my hair grew. As it got longer, I liked it more and more and Chelsea agreed with me. My hair is now just about at my collarbone and I love it! I’ve also been working on my wardrobe. Yes, I love t-shirts and sweaters with jeans and slacks. But what about blouses? I used to love them. Thankfully, they’re now back in my wardrobe. And because of my hair color change to its natural silver, I found that I could no longer wear some colors, but looked great in others. Yes, the wardrobe purge happened and clothes and colors that no longer suited me were discarded or donated. I also added black sparkly ankle boots and silver cowboy boots to my footwear collection. Not too many years ago, I told myself that wearing my hair collarbone length, wearing subtle pink or purple eyeshadow and wearing a pretty blouse, figure flattering jeans and sparkly boots were for days gone by. But now, as far as I’m concerned, those days have not gone by yet. I have seen many people though, stuck in the past, adhering to old rules of how they should present themselves to the world, or get stuck in a style because it reminds them of their youth. Hopefully, women’s hairstyles from the 80’s will never be back. And this is not just for women. Guys, I’m talking to you too. It mystifies me when I see a mature man with a full head of hair and he wears it in a very short style or buzzed. Why??? Women no longer have to wear their hair short once they reach a certain age. And guys, that applies to you too! You don’t have to let it grow to ponytail length. But a flattering style can go a long way. And hopefully the days of the comb-over are gone forever.

So yes, all of this may seem a bit superficial and unimportant. But looking your best, feeling your best and doing your best can help you be your best. Your best you that shows the world and reminds yourself that some rules should be relegated to the past because they only hold you back. And why should any of us be held back when we have so much to give? Readjusting our thoughts and attitudes can help propel us forward to be even better than we imagined. Wouldn’t you want that for yourself and those you care about? I know I do.

IF YOU’RE LUCKY, YOU GET TO AGE, BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO GET OLD! PART 1

I’m at the point in my life where I scan the obituaries in the local Sunday newspaper, hoping I won’t find anyone I knew. It’s encouraging to see so many people who lived into their late 80’s and 90’s. But then, there is another obit or two of someone who died young – 20’s, 30’s, 40’s. Dying that young means that more than half of your possible lifespan will go unlived. How very sad and tragic. Yes, I have had some VERY dark days, where if it was my last day of this lifetime, I would have said, ok, let’s go, I’ve had enough. Fortunately though, there’s always been a curious part of me that never goes away. And so, I’ve always had this curiosity of what’s next. And I’ve come to appreciate that I have been lucky enough to age. Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t love seeing a new wrinkle or experience a new ache or pain, or looking in the mirror and wonder how time went by so quickly. Yes, I would love to look young again. But that’s not realistic. I’ll never look 25 again in this lifetime. But what I can do is take good care of myself. I know, I know………..that boring stuff…………eat a healthy diet, exercise regularly, use sunscreen and get a good night’s sleep every night. Do I eliminate everything? Oh no! My favorite treat is dark chocolate. And multiple sources state that dark chocolate in small amounts can be part of a healthy diet. Sign me up! And a good Pinot Noir or an Irish Red Ale is on my list of treats. I do not believe in total deprivation. That can lead to frustration and binging. Both are not good at all. So yes, for me, not being old is taking good care of myself. Don’t we associate good health with youth? Remember the old saying……….”if you have your health, you have everything”? So true, but there’s more. No, we shouldn’t be obsessed with our exterior. But for me though, when I’m wearing something that I love that feels like me, when I do my makeup and hair well, I can and do present a much better version of me than if I don’t do those things. But one of the most important aspects of not getting old is maintaining a sense of wonder and curiosity. Watch a child explore the world with wonder, awe and curiosity. It’s invigorating. So as we age, why should we lose our sense of wonder, awe and curiosity? I think we should definitely not lose those important aspects of being human. To give an example of what I mean, think about music, which I love very much. For most of us, we love and treasure the music of our youth – growing up – teenage years – early adulthood. But then life happens – career, relationship (possibly), family (possibly). Those parts of our life often keep moving forward. You get a new better job or change careers. You meet and get involved with someone special. You may even have a family. So, where does music fit into this? Too often stuck in the past. Now don’t get me wrong. I love listening to oldies. But………….I’ve heard all that before. I’ve always been curious and that includes music. Yes, some musical genres are not my thing. Heavy metal? No thanks. Punk rock? Pass. I got to the point where for me, pop/rock music just wasn’t as good as it once was. I then discovered the Country music group Alabama. It didn’t take me long to love their music. Randy Owen of Alabama is one of my all-time favorite lead vocalists. My migration to Country music began. These days, one of my favorite musical eras is 90’s Country. I love that music. But as much as I love it, I love a lot of the new artists and their take on Country music. It’s such a fun adventure for me to continue to move musically forward even though I got stuck in one lane. A smart phone commercial however, changed all that.

The commercial played part of a song and video and I just had to hear all of the song and watch all of the music video. So, the next time I watched the commercial, I paid attention to the brief view of the front of the phone. I was aware of the group, but hadn’t paid any attention to them, as I was so focused on country music and pop music, to me, for the most part, was not worth listening to. I then went to YouTube and easily found the music video and finally heard the entire song. I listened to it once and I was hooked. The group and song you ask? Butter by BTS. How has I missed THEM? I was so focused elsewhere that I was missing music that I now love. I finally knew what ARMY, BTS’s fanbase knows. They are 7 exceptionally talented guys who sing, rap and dance. Their choreography is amazing. But they don’t just sing and dance, the entertain. Millions of fans all over the world can’t be wrong and are not. They have even given me a new perspective and appreciation for a musical genre that I’ve never been a fan of – rap. Of the 7 members, 4 are lead vocalists, Jung Kook, V, Jimin and Jin. But j-hope, RM and Suga are rappers. I have come to love their songs that have singing and rap. I saw j-hope’s performance online at Lollapalooza (late July, 2022). I LOVED his entire performance – including the rap. So, I had to buy his solo music – the mixtape “Hope World”, the single “Chicken Noodle Soup” and his album “Jack in the Box”. And of course I also purchased his recent album “Hope on the Street, Vol. 1”. I love all of his music. How is it that I will now listen to rap? Ok, just BTS rappers. But still, I never would have been open to it if I wasn’t curious. I love the fact that I love so many different types of music including Blues, 40’s Swing and Jazz. Unfortunately, the members of BTS, who are from South Korea have mandatory military service that they are now fulfilling. Fortunately though, as I write this in May, 2024, Jin is scheduled to be discharged in one month and j-hope is scheduled to be discharged in a little over 5 months. The remaining members though are not scheduled for discharge until June, 2025. They say that patience is a virtue. And patient we’ll have to be until we hear new music from BTS and watch them perform together again, which means watching them sing, rap and dance. Especially j-hope. All of them are great dancers. But j-hope is next level. Yes, his dancing is that outstanding.

So, am I too old to love the music of a K-Pop group? Not at all! Their music and performances bring me so much joy that I never want to be that old that I refuse to check out a new artist. The bottom line is that with a sense of curiosity and wonder, you can continuously discover new things to bring you joy, and make you a better person that can make your life better than it was. Keep exploring! Borahae!!!

As I write this, I’ve been retired for 2 months. Make that 2 wonderful months. I had an office job, sales support and fortunately worked remotely from home. I write “fortunately” because working full time in an office to me means having to deal with, office politics that I was never good at and didn’t like anyway, annoying coworkers who did more personal things at work than their job and a micro-manager boss who mistakenly thought I needed a baby sitter. I was very good at my former jobs, but I never loved any of them. I did them because I had bills to pay and didn’t know what I wanted anyway. I’d come home from work, mentally exhausted. I’d take care of chores that needed to be done, made dinner, ate, cleaned up the kitchen and then relaxed and watched some TV before going to bed. Getting enough sleep to get up and do it all again the next day ended up being high on my priority list. Not what you’d call an exciting life. It was more of an existence. I was so drained and exhausted from my job that there was very little left over for what I wanted to do. So why didn’t I change careers to do something that I wanted to do? I grew up very, very emotionally and verbally abused, long before those terms were part of our vocabulary. My parents, (more so my mother), knew what buttons to push and which strings to pull to get me to do whatever they wanted me to do. And that meant being verbally ripped to shreds, being told that I didn’t deserve anyone or anything. And career opportunities that I had when I was young were sabotaged by my mother. I had to be less than her so that she would feel good about herself. Sad but true. So after multiple failed attempts to have a successful career that I loved, I unfortunately gave up. My life became living for Friday at 5 PM and the weekend! As I got older, not only was Friday at 5 PM a goal, but retirement became my next big goal. My job in sales support became more and more intolerable, especially the last 2 years. Yes, it coincided with my divorce. And no, divorce isn’t easy, even when both parties agree that it’s for the best, which we did. But the environment at the company I worked for became increasingly disorganized, chaotic and disfunctional. I was worn out, burned out, stressed out and exhausted. I was so “spent”, that I retreated from life and only did what had to be done in my personal life. So when retirement finally came, it was such a welcome relief, that it’s difficult to put into words. And yes, it took me a while to decompress from what was my life. After a while, I felt the “me” that had disappeared so many years ago, re-immerge. Finally, I felt free to create the life I wanted. And I’m doing just that, finding my way, adding and subtracting as I go along, enjoying the journey. So, please don’t do what I did. Don’t wait until you retire to begin creating the life you want. I now look in the mirror and wonder how all of those years went by so quickly. My wish is for you to look back on your years with happy memories, of challenges accepted and met. What I wish for no one is to look back with too many regrets of challenges ignored and paths not taken. Big changes all at once are often scary and unnecessary. Little steps, taken at your own comfortable pace can end up with the big change you dream about. But it could also lead you down an even better path you didn’t even know would make your life so much better.

For whatever reason, too many of us have decided that alone and lonely are the same things. I have discovered that they are not. My ex-husband and I were together for 16 years. I rarely felt lonely then. The rest of my adult life has been friends and boyfriends coming and going. Some showing up in my life for a short period of time. Others, staying for longer.

When I was a young adult, it seemed as if I wasn’t alone very much. I worked in an office with coworkers in abundance. Then there were friends to hang out with, parties to attend and dates to go on. Hygiene activities and sleeping (well, not all of the time), were my alone times. But partaking in hygiene activities usually does require some focus. Yes, I do some of my best thinking while showering. However, focus is definitely required when putting on makeup. And sleeping…..well…no explanation should be necessary.

But then, life began to change. Some friends moved away, while others stayed and got married and started a family. Their lives went on an entirely different path. The intensity of my early adult years was replaced with finding fewer and fewer people sharing the path I was on. Even dating didn’t happen much anymore. And so, I found myself spending more and more time alone. Everyone seemingly was moving on and without me. I began to hide my feelings of loneliness so as to hopefully appear not lonely and at least somewhat introspective. I suspect that I was not very successful. As time went on, the loneliness I felt was too often a crushing weight, determined to destroy me. Eventually though, I decided that enough was enough. I decided that it was time to enjoy my own company. First, I did things that I was comfortable doing alone – shopping, having lunch at the mall food court and going to the movies. I love to travel. And finally, I had enough money saved and enough vacation time, but I had no traveling companion. I decided that I was going on vacation anyway. One year, I went on an escorted bus tour of Western Europe. The next year, I went on an escorted bus tour of Ireland. I loved those trips. Yes, I was alone, but I was free to spend time by myself or with friends I have made on the tour. And so, when I got home, I had a new perspective. I could be alone, enjoying my own company and not be lonely.

And then I met my now ex-husband. When things were good between us, I rarely felt lonely. Even when we were in different places doing different things, I rarely felt lonely because of the love we shared – or at least the love I thought we shared. And then my marriage began to crumble. As time went on, the loneliness I had felt years before, had crept back into my life. I felt more lonely when we were together than when he was somewhere else. I hated feeling like that. I thought that lonely was a thing of the past. Clearly, it was not. The divorce happened. I moved out and moved back to my hometown. And yes, loneliness followed me as if it was packed in all of those boxes. Starting over later in life isn’t easy. But fortunately, with caring family and friends, time, and some hard work, loneliness only appears once in a while. As time goes on, it appears less and less. I’m rediscovering that I enjoy my own company as well as the company of family and friends. After all, if you don’t enjoy your own company, why would anyone else? And so, I have discovered for myself that alone and lonely are two very different words. Alone need not be frightening and can often be very pleasant. And lonely can be ok as a once in a while visitor. But with some work on liking your own company, lonely can be sent packing.

Sometimes that phrase bothers me – it’s just me. Just go to a restaurant – a sit-down restaurant – where they hand you the menu, not where you look up and see the menu. How many couples do you see? Quite a few. Yes, there are friends dining together and families sharing a meal. But after you’re finished, you and your friends each go to your own car to drive home – the home that’s only yours. For a long time, it was just me. When I was a young adult, it was still grow up, get married, have kids and preferably in that order. But I didn’t meet Mr. Right and somehow I did not get the mommy gene. Back then, if you were like me, people would simply assume that there had to be something wrong with you if you didn’t do what was expected. And no, very few bothered to ask why I chose a different path. Then, finally, I thought I met a great guy. There were always a few very minor cracks in the foundation of our relationship. But I loved him and I thought he loved me. Nothing is perfect I told myself. But as time went on, the cracks grew and turned into fissures. The time came and I could no longer ignore them. Then the ultimate happened. He told me that he no longer loved me. I wanted to save my marriage but it can only work if both people are committed to it. He was already emotionally gone. It was something my head knew. Finally, my heart caught up with my head and knew it too. And so, we divorced. I was then back to being “just me”. The road has not been an easy one. Starting over is not usually on someone’s bucket list. But when life puts it at the top of your bucket list for you, well……….. you keep moving forward so that something better will take its place. There have been many, many challenges in putting the pieces of myself and my life back together. But I have accepted the challenge to keep improving myself and my life. I have learned that alone doesn’t always equate to lonely. You can be lonely in a group of people. Toward the end of my marriage, I felt more lonely when both of us were home, than when I was home alone. That is a feeling I would wish on no one. When it became just me again, I often reminded myself of the positives of being just me. For example, my meals are whatever I want to eat. The remote control is mine and mine alone. And there no one to steal the covers on a cold winter night. I didn’t like me very much when I was young. But with hard work, I have come to like who I am and value who I am, just because I’m me. I’m finally peeling back the layers to find my authentic self and liking what I see. Because it’s just me right now, I have the total freedom to do this exploration. And truthfully, I’m enjoying the journey and the process. Some people are fortunate rather early in life to have a good idea of who they are and what they want. I was not that fortunate. But as the old saying goes………..better late than never. And so…………it’s just me, and I’m ok with that. Would I like to be one half of a couple again? Sure. If it does happen that I meet a great guy, I will compromise. And yes, we will have to share the remote. If I do meet the right man, this time I will know which cracks in the foundation to look for. And if I don’t meet a great guy, then I’ll be just fine as “just me”.

It’s never too late to find out who you really are. Just recently I got my hair cut, well, really, just a trim as I finally am wearing my hair in a style I love – a shoulder length, slightly inverted bob with side swept bangs. Once upon a time it was light brown/dark blond when I was 3 and gradually got darker. It ended up being a bit darker than medium brown. I was ok with it. But it never thrilled me. It was too dark for blond highlights and not dark enough to be that very striking dark brown. Given my genetic background, silver hair was inevitable. Gradually, silver hair started to sprout on the top of my head. There were just a few at first, then over time, started to multiply. Semi-permanent hair color was the next step. But back then, I washed my hair daily and well, the color washed out quickly. And, multiplying silver hair meant it was time for permanent hair color. I started out with medium brown. As most women know, as you get older, your skin tone changes and that dark hair color that used to look so good, is now too harsh to flatter you. Yes, it happened to me. And so, I then began coloring my hair light brown, that truthfully didn’t seem much lighter than the medium brown hair color I had been using. And eventually, I colored it dark blond. It was ok. But as the color faded, as all artificial color does, it looked no more than “ok” on me. It was as if the color was “off” just enough to throw things out of whack. Finding the right color clothes to wear, or the right lipstick to wear became an unwelcome challenge. Very little seemed to be “just right”. But then, as my silver hair began overtaking my darker hair, covering it was more and more difficult. I never had a hairdresser color my hair – too much time and money. And box color was no longer doing the job. It either no longer covered my silver very well, or I was allergic to it. Still…….I wasn’t ready to go silver. Around this time, I would often get my hair cut right before I colored it. So…………..I asked my hairdresser – how much silver hair do I have? The percentage of silver hair kept increasing. Then, the Covid-19 pandemic started. Instead of coloring it every 4 – 6 weeks, I was then coloring it every 8 weeks. I thought that perhaps this was the time to let my natural silver show. But………….things started to improve a bit, so I colored my hair again – dark blond. But by Fall, 2020, the pandemic got worse again and I stopped coloring my hair. I have not colored my hair since late August, 2020. The growing out process wasn’t the most fun I’ve had. But encouragement from my hairdresser helped – A LOT. Gradually, with every haircut, the artificial color got cut off. It’s been a while now since it got all cut off. And I LOVE it! I think it suits me. I got rid of clothes that are not the right color for me. And choosing the right color lipstick is no longer the monumental problem it once was. Do I think my silver hair makes me look older? Perhaps, but I don’t care. As I just wrote, I love it and feel more confident, more like me with my silver hair in a slightly inverted shoulder length bob. Finding what reflects the real you, even if it’s just what’s on the outside, can help you find your authentic, confident self. And I am so glad that I took that leap. I was no longer happy doing what I “should do” and finally did what was best for me. That happiness and confidence began showing and one day when I was out doing some errands, I received a very nice surprise. Two women running the check out at the store I was at, complemented me on my hair – mostly the silver color. They loved it and I love it too.