- Vintage Silver Gal

Welcome to my blog, an exploration of life lessons, adventures and discoveries and short stories just for fun. As I travel thru life, there have been lessons learned, discoveries made and adventures big and small. Of course, this is ongoing, as new lessons demand my attention, adventures excite me, and discoveries ignite my curiosity. As the title suggests, I am a woman, over a certain age. Vintage is a word I much prefer to mature or old. When a lot of us think of vintage, what often comes to mind are vintage clothes, cars and wine. All are valued treasures. When something is old, we replace it with something new. That’s fine for milk, but for me, that is unacceptable when it comes to people. The passage of time as turned my once brown hair to various shades of silver and a couple of white streaks. The passage of time has also allowed me to explore my inner and outer world on this amazing journey called life. I hope you’ll join me!

Cheers………………Trish!!!

CONTACT: If you would like to contact me with comments or questions, please email me at [email protected].

As I write this, I’ve been retired for 2 months. Make that 2 wonderful months. I had an office job, sales support and fortunately worked remotely from home. I write “fortunately” because working full time in an office to me means having to deal with, office politics that I was never good at and didn’t like anyway, annoying coworkers who did more personal things at work than their job and a micro-manager boss who mistakenly thought I needed a baby sitter. I was very good at my former jobs, but I never loved any of them. I did them because I had bills to pay and didn’t know what I wanted anyway. I’d come home from work, mentally exhausted. I’d take care of chores that needed to be done, made dinner, ate, cleaned up the kitchen and then relaxed and watched some TV before going to bed. Getting enough sleep to get up and do it all again the next day ended up being high on my priority list. Not what you’d call an exciting life. It was more of an existence. I was so drained and exhausted from my job that there was very little left over for what I wanted to do. So why didn’t I change careers to do something that I wanted to do? I grew up very, very emotionally and verbally abused, long before those terms were part of our vocabulary. My parents, (more so my mother), knew what buttons to push and which strings to pull to get me to do whatever they wanted me to do. And that meant being verbally ripped to shreds, being told that I didn’t deserve anyone or anything. And career opportunities that I had when I was young were sabotaged by my mother. I had to be less than her so that she would feel good about herself. Sad but true. So after multiple failed attempts to have a successful career that I loved, I unfortunately gave up. My life became living for Friday at 5 PM and the weekend! As I got older, not only was Friday at 5 PM a goal, but retirement became my next big goal. My job in sales support became more and more intolerable, especially the last 2 years. Yes, it coincided with my divorce. And no, divorce isn’t easy, even when both parties agree that it’s for the best, which we did. But the environment at the company I worked for became increasingly disorganized, chaotic and disfunctional. I was worn out, burned out, stressed out and exhausted. I was so “spent”, that I retreated from life and only did what had to be done in my personal life. So when retirement finally came, it was such a welcome relief, that it’s difficult to put into words. And yes, it took me a while to decompress from what was my life. After a while, I felt the “me” that had disappeared so many years ago, re-immerge. Finally, I felt free to create the life I wanted. And I’m doing just that, finding my way, adding and subtracting as I go along, enjoying the journey. So, please don’t do what I did. Don’t wait until you retire to begin creating the life you want. I now look in the mirror and wonder how all of those years went by so quickly. My wish is for you to look back on your years with happy memories, of challenges accepted and met. What I wish for no one is to look back with too many regrets of challenges ignored and paths not taken. Big changes all at once are often scary and unnecessary. Little steps, taken at your own comfortable pace can end up with the big change you dream about. But it could also lead you down an even better path you didn’t even know would make your life so much better.

For whatever reason, too many of us have decided that alone and lonely are the same things. I have discovered that they are not. My ex-husband and I were together for 16 years. I rarely felt lonely then. The rest of my adult life has been friends and boyfriends coming and going. Some showing up in my life for a short period of time. Others, staying for longer.

When I was a young adult, it seemed as if I wasn’t alone very much. I worked in an office with coworkers in abundance. Then there were friends to hang out with, parties to attend and dates to go on. Hygiene activities and sleeping (well, not all of the time), were my alone times. But partaking in hygiene activities usually does require some focus. Yes, I do some of my best thinking while showering. However, focus is definitely required when putting on makeup. And sleeping…..well…no explanation should be necessary.

But then, life began to change. Some friends moved away, while others stayed and got married and started a family. Their lives went on an entirely different path. The intensity of my early adult years was replaced with finding fewer and fewer people sharing the path I was on. Even dating didn’t happen much anymore. And so, I found myself spending more and more time alone. Everyone seemingly was moving on and without me. I began to hide my feelings of loneliness so as to hopefully appear not lonely and at least somewhat introspective. I suspect that I was not very successful. As time went on, the loneliness I felt was too often a crushing weight, determined to destroy me. Eventually though, I decided that enough was enough. I decided that it was time to enjoy my own company. First, I did things that I was comfortable doing alone – shopping, having lunch at the mall food court and going to the movies. I love to travel. And finally, I had enough money saved and enough vacation time, but I had no traveling companion. I decided that I was going on vacation anyway. One year, I went on an escorted bus tour of Western Europe. The next year, I went on an escorted bus tour of Ireland. I loved those trips. Yes, I was alone, but I was free to spend time by myself or with friends I have made on the tour. And so, when I got home, I had a new perspective. I could be alone, enjoying my own company and not be lonely.

And then I met my now ex-husband. When things were good between us, I rarely felt lonely. Even when we were in different places doing different things, I rarely felt lonely because of the love we shared – or at least the love I thought we shared. And then my marriage began to crumble. As time went on, the loneliness I had felt years before, had crept back into my life. I felt more lonely when we were together than when he was somewhere else. I hated feeling like that. I thought that lonely was a thing of the past. Clearly, it was not. The divorce happened. I moved out and moved back to my hometown. And yes, loneliness followed me as if it was packed in all of those boxes. Starting over later in life isn’t easy. But fortunately, with caring family and friends, time, and some hard work, loneliness only appears once in a while. As time goes on, it appears less and less. I’m rediscovering that I enjoy my own company as well as the company of family and friends. After all, if you don’t enjoy your own company, why would anyone else? And so, I have discovered for myself that alone and lonely are two very different words. Alone need not be frightening and can often be very pleasant. And lonely can be ok as a once in a while visitor. But with some work on liking your own company, lonely can be sent packing.

Sometimes that phrase bothers me – it’s just me. Just go to a restaurant – a sit-down restaurant – where they hand you the menu, not where you look up and see the menu. How many couples do you see? Quite a few. Yes, there are friends dining together and families sharing a meal. But after you’re finished, you and your friends each go to your own car to drive home – the home that’s only yours. For a long time, it was just me. When I was a young adult, it was still grow up, get married, have kids and preferably in that order. But I didn’t meet Mr. Right and somehow I did not get the mommy gene. Back then, if you were like me, people would simply assume that there had to be something wrong with you if you didn’t do what was expected. And no, very few bothered to ask why I chose a different path. Then, finally, I thought I met a great guy. There were always a few very minor cracks in the foundation of our relationship. But I loved him and I thought he loved me. Nothing is perfect I told myself. But as time went on, the cracks grew and turned into fissures. The time came and I could no longer ignore them. Then the ultimate happened. He told me that he no longer loved me. I wanted to save my marriage but it can only work if both people are committed to it. He was already emotionally gone. It was something my head knew. Finally, my heart caught up with my head and knew it too. And so, we divorced. I was then back to being “just me”. The road has not been an easy one. Starting over is not usually on someone’s bucket list. But when life puts it at the top of your bucket list for you, well……….. you keep moving forward so that something better will take its place. There have been many, many challenges in putting the pieces of myself and my life back together. But I have accepted the challenge to keep improving myself and my life. I have learned that alone doesn’t always equate to lonely. You can be lonely in a group of people. Toward the end of my marriage, I felt more lonely when both of us were home, than when I was home alone. That is a feeling I would wish on no one. When it became just me again, I often reminded myself of the positives of being just me. For example, my meals are whatever I want to eat. The remote control is mine and mine alone. And there no one to steal the covers on a cold winter night. I didn’t like me very much when I was young. But with hard work, I have come to like who I am and value who I am, just because I’m me. I’m finally peeling back the layers to find my authentic self and liking what I see. Because it’s just me right now, I have the total freedom to do this exploration. And truthfully, I’m enjoying the journey and the process. Some people are fortunate rather early in life to have a good idea of who they are and what they want. I was not that fortunate. But as the old saying goes………..better late than never. And so…………it’s just me, and I’m ok with that. Would I like to be one half of a couple again? Sure. If it does happen that I meet a great guy, I will compromise. And yes, we will have to share the remote. If I do meet the right man, this time I will know which cracks in the foundation to look for. And if I don’t meet a great guy, then I’ll be just fine as “just me”.

It’s never too late to find out who you really are. Just recently I got my hair cut, well, really, just a trim as I finally am wearing my hair in a style I love – a shoulder length, slightly inverted bob with side swept bangs. Once upon a time it was light brown/dark blond when I was 3 and gradually got darker. It ended up being a bit darker than medium brown. I was ok with it. But it never thrilled me. It was too dark for blond highlights and not dark enough to be that very striking dark brown. Given my genetic background, silver hair was inevitable. Gradually, silver hair started to sprout on the top of my head. There were just a few at first, then over time, started to multiply. Semi-permanent hair color was the next step. But back then, I washed my hair daily and well, the color washed out quickly. And, multiplying silver hair meant it was time for permanent hair color. I started out with medium brown. As most women know, as you get older, your skin tone changes and that dark hair color that used to look so good, is now too harsh to flatter you. Yes, it happened to me. And so, I then began coloring my hair light brown, that truthfully didn’t seem much lighter than the medium brown hair color I had been using. And eventually, I colored it dark blond. It was ok. But as the color faded, as all artificial color does, it looked no more than “ok” on me. It was as if the color was “off” just enough to throw things out of whack. Finding the right color clothes to wear, or the right lipstick to wear became an unwelcome challenge. Very little seemed to be “just right”. But then, as my silver hair began overtaking my darker hair, covering it was more and more difficult. I never had a hairdresser color my hair – too much time and money. And box color was no longer doing the job. It either no longer covered my silver very well, or I was allergic to it. Still…….I wasn’t ready to go silver. Around this time, I would often get my hair cut right before I colored it. So…………..I asked my hairdresser – how much silver hair do I have? The percentage of silver hair kept increasing. Then, the Covid-19 pandemic started. Instead of coloring it every 4 – 6 weeks, I was then coloring it every 8 weeks. I thought that perhaps this was the time to let my natural silver show. But………….things started to improve a bit, so I colored my hair again – dark blond. But by Fall, 2020, the pandemic got worse again and I stopped coloring my hair. I have not colored my hair since late August, 2020. The growing out process wasn’t the most fun I’ve had. But encouragement from my hairdresser helped – A LOT. Gradually, with every haircut, the artificial color got cut off. It’s been a while now since it got all cut off. And I LOVE it! I think it suits me. I got rid of clothes that are not the right color for me. And choosing the right color lipstick is no longer the monumental problem it once was. Do I think my silver hair makes me look older? Perhaps, but I don’t care. As I just wrote, I love it and feel more confident, more like me with my silver hair in a slightly inverted shoulder length bob. Finding what reflects the real you, even if it’s just what’s on the outside, can help you find your authentic, confident self. And I am so glad that I took that leap. I was no longer happy doing what I “should do” and finally did what was best for me. That happiness and confidence began showing and one day when I was out doing some errands, I received a very nice surprise. Two women running the check out at the store I was at, complemented me on my hair – mostly the silver color. They loved it and I love it too.